Why must we suffer? Why must we be drowning in pain? When we can just be holding each other in a warm embrace, listening to music with a cigarette in hand..

..

"It's like we're bound to be with whoever breaks us"

Today my owl boy’s birthday 🥳

My special person, he’s 25 years old now!

I hope you are living through it better than me, it's not nice to share everything with someone only to turn to strangers after, I mean it only leaves a hole inside, how does it feel? It feels like everything and nothing at the same time, to have them as your safe place, considering them as best friends, lovers and family at the same time was nice while it lasted.. But what about after..? I really thought we had it all until everything vanished.
I didn't mean to give that much into it, I didn't mean to turn the way I am.. But what happened and what I felt.. Turned me into a mess of numbness, I don't even know what to be mad at anymore, them? Or myself?

Mood of this year:

I wander if your memory recognize me anymore, or did I fade along the line?

"I'm losing my mind."

I let you know me.. See me, I let you touch the depth of my soul, I allowed you to sink deeply into my heart and I gave you everything I could possibly give. Only for you to throw it all away like I'm some disposal object and I'll never forget that.

December 26
Hello my north star, I don't really know what to tell you this year, it's funny because I've a lot to say.. Maybe I'll never see you again or maybe I'll see you through each passing person in my life, who knows? I wish we could sit together once again in such a lovely day where I could paint you with my love and shower you with compliments about how pretty you look and how much I love your hair or your new perfume. but let's settle with this for now, it's cold, let's play a song, smoke a cigarette and gaze upon the night, the sky looks as beautiful as I remember when I saw it through your eyes..

Mood of this year 2.

'I don't understand, it just hurts, it hurts a lot' is what my heart keep repeating over and over, he's begging me to do what I shouldn't do, what I know will only make me feel overly pathetic after.. I know he wish we still together but how can he? How can my heart be such a fool? Yet I can't be too harsh with him he's already broken enough.. So I softly tell him 'baby, it's alright, don't you cry anymore, it's late now, won't you sleep? We already said it's goodbye.. sleep, sleep tight, I'll wake you up when you're healed' then I go and beg my brain to stop reminding me of the ghost of our memories so my heart could go into a deep slumber away from all those emotions that keep breaking him again and again.

do you ever go:
🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢 men 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

but then:
💞💖💗💘💓💗💞💓💖💞💓💗💞💖💗💞💓💗💖💓💗FICTIONAL MEN💞💘💗💞💘💞💖💗💞💓💘💞💓💗💖💓💖💞💓💞💗💞💗💖💕💞💓💖💗💘

It's too bad, I still dream of the things that we could have been just so I wake up to a reality you forced on me.

Drink me up
Smoke me out
Have me in anyway you want
Obsessively
I would take it as the fool
Like a happy pill
Poison me with the sweetest words
Ruin what left of my heart
At least I would feel
At least it would be you.