It has been days since I last wrote here. The words, once effortless, now slip away before they can take shape. A strange fog lingers in my mind, something quiet, something weightless yet heavy all the same.

Why? I do not know. A familiar ache, uninvited, settling in without warning. Perhaps it is an old habit, reaching for something that was once absent, something I never quite learned to stop searching for. Perhaps it is because I have always sought love, chasing after it like something I needed to earn. A habit born from childhood, a pattern that never quite fades.

And now, here I am again, caught in the same cycle. Feeling something for someone who will probably never even know. Someone who likely does not feel the same.

There’s a shift I cannot name, a restlessness in my chest. A feeling that arrived without reason, without asking.

I have kept my distance from emotions, yet here I am, speaking of them in a way that feels unfamiliar. Not because I expect anything, but because feelings, once born, have a weight of their own. And we carry them, even when no one else sees.

— not meant to be, but still is

Someone I deeply respect said something today that lingered in my mind: "It’s good to do things for others, especially if they’re doing things for you."

It made sense… but somehow, I couldn’t fully agree.

Is that how it works? Do we measure what we give by what we receive? Do we love only because we are loved first? Do we offer kindness only when it is mirrored back?

I don’t think I know how to do that. If I give, it’s because I want to—because something in me feels right about it, because their happiness matters to me, regardless of what comes in return.

Or maybe… maybe I’ve spent so long being the one who gives that I never learned how to receive. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t see that person’s point.

I don’t know.
Have you?

A slap would hurt less than realizing this…

I was never chosen…

I read somewhere that attachment is scary. Hours without a reply and suddenly you feel unlovable, anxious, like a second choice, ugly and everything in between.

I said I would sleep, but just felt like leaving it here because I am feeling blessed. In a world that can sometimes feel heavy, it is amazing to meet someone who brightens your day without making you feel like a burden. There is something incredibly comforting about knowing that amidst the chaos, there are souls out there who lift you up and remind you that you matter. Moments like these leave you with a warm glow that lingers…


Isn't it just beautiful?

P.S. and this smile on my face (you should have just seen).

Teach me your language. I may not be native to your homeland, but let me belong; let me be native to you.

- Abdulsamad S.

I love languages… but yours is my favorite…

There is something about a language… how it holds the weight of unspoken thoughts, the rhythm of laughter, the quiet comfort of familiar words.

I’d love to be fluent, not just in the words, but in the pauses, in the way you say things, in what you leave unsaid. To understand, truly. Whatever language it is, let me belong to it… let me belong to you.

O bana, "cok güzel gülüyorsun." dedi ama Tolstoy dedi ki:
"herkesten cok güldü. belli ki aci çekiyor."

He told me, "You have a beautiful smile." But Tolstoy said, "She laughed more than anyone else. Clearly, she was in pain."

Make me feel unwanted, I’ll write few paragraphs about you and then leave without a trace.

Someone loves everything you hate about you

- Frank Ocean

🥹🥹🥹

So little is needed to make someone happy… why?

This morning, I arrived at work as usual. A few minutes later, a colleague walked in, handed me a juice (offering options), and I chose apple. Later, I got a message: "I knew you’d pick apple…" (People knowing such small things about you is just 🫠🫠🫠)

That small moment made my entire day. Oh, and I was also told I have a beautiful smile and should keep it up, so guess I will! :)

P.S. Aaand I got my new passport! (Thanks in advance for the congratulations 😁😂)

P.S.2. But… I also managed to cut my finger pretty badly.

Good night!

Bir insanin içi bir insana bu kadar gider mi?

It is the same rain that you loved that drowned you…

The hypocrisy of being human; the constant tug between solitude and company, the desire to love so desperately and simultaneously be detached from it all, of wanting everything and wanting nothing.

Today, my colleague told me about her friend who’s in a relationship. She said they message each other all the time… like, 24/7. My first reaction? Wow! But she just said, “What will they even talk about after the wedding?”

That stuck with me.

I’ve never been a fan of extremes. The idea of constant messages, endless video calls… it’s just not for me. Of course, a sweet good morning text or a little catch-up at the end of the day? That’s different. That’s nice. But I need space. Even the sun doesn’t shine 24/7, why should love? Love isn’t about constant presence; it’s about consistent connection. And sometimes, that means leaving room to breathe.

My colleague’s words gave me something to think about.

P.S. But I also realized it last week that no matter how busy we are, we always make time for the people who truly matter. If someone keeps telling you they’re too busy, if your thoughtful messages get nothing but dry replies… maybe take a step back. Some things aren’t about time management, they’re about priorities.

Just a little note to myself.

There are too many shapes of love to be counted. One of them is forgiveness.

- Yoon Ha Lee, Conservation of Shadows