Anxiety is a beast....its the beast that always resides in the silence eating away your life....each of your experiences. It thinks for you. It talks for you. More than that it makes your decisions. And each of that decision takes you 3 steps back from where you initially were.

A year later this still hits the same.

Your monthly not so monthly reminder of a friend at hand. I hope all of you are ok. Its been little while since you got this huh? Classes made me busy. If you want anyone to talk to about your days or what you have been dealing with.....someone to listen to you I am here. Sometimes its better when a stranger does አይደል? I am always here for you. The tiniest experiences you want to share to something you just want to get off your chest my dms are open. No need for name if you want to. @Chesed_29

This feels a lot like home.

A little truth that you need to remind yourself....

Its amazing how days go by fast. Standing today here i can't believe last year this day was a year ago. Stuck in what seemed like running on a treadmill waking up to the same life same routine exhausting yourself for something that wont even pay you back.....I realize I should have noticed the random breakdowns as a red flag. ለነገ እያልኩኝ ያስቀመጥኳቸው ነገሮች አመት እንደሞላቸው ሳስብ "የት ነበርኩ?" ያስብለኛል.....ብዙ ቀናትን cease አድርጌ መቆየት እፈልግ ነበር....ብዙ የጓደኝነት ጊዜዎችን ማጣጣም....ብዙ ሰአታትን በፀጥታ ማሳለፍ.....ብዙ መፃፍ....ብዙ ታሪኮችን ማዳመጥ...long walks at night and just sitting and being present....ብዙ ጭንቅ ያላዳፈናቸው ሳቆች.....በመንገዴ ላይ ብወዳቸው ያልኳቸው ልቦች...ብዙ ለነገ የተቀመጡ ሳይኖሩ የቀሩ ትላንትናዎች......ማን የነገን ተስፋ ሰጥቶኝ ዛሬን ከራሴ እንደምነጥቅ አልገባኝም

-የአብ ተ

ርዕስ :     ሁላችንም
መልኩ ይለያይ እንጂ ሁላችንም ባዶነት እንዲሰማን  የሚያደርጉን ክፍተቶች አሉን ።ምናልባት በጤናችን ሁኔታ ፣ በቤተሰብ situation ፣ አሊያም በባህሪያችን ፣ አድርገናቸው እንደ እግር እሳት በሚለበልቡን ድርጊቶች ፣ ወይ ደግሞ እንዲ ቢሆን እንንዲያ ቢሆን ኖሮ በምንላቸው ምኞቶቻችን ውስጥ .........።

ብቻ ስንኖር አለች የሆነች ስትነካ የምታመን ፣ትዝ ስትለን የምትሰቅዘን ፣ የዳነ እግራችን  የሚያነክስባት ፣  የመኖርን ትርጉም የምናጣባት SPOT.....   መኖር መተንፈስ ከሆነ አለሁ ብለን እጅ የምናወጣ እልፍ ሰዎች አለንኮ። የሚገርመው part ደግሞ ደስተኛ መስለን ለመታየት የምንጋጋጠው ነገርስ I think we are the  kind of people who smiles the most  when it hurts ተገልቦ አልታየልን እንጂ ስንቱ በፈገግታው ድንኳን ተከልሎ ታሞ ኖሯል።

ለነገሩ ይዘቱ ይለያይ ይሆናል እንጂ ሁሉም ሰው ከሰው ደብቆት ከህሊና ጓዳው ቀብሮት ያስቀመጠው  የብሶት ቀን መዞ የሚያለቅስበት ህመም አይጠፋውም ።   በሳቅ  እንደ ቄብ ዶሮ የሚያስካካበት ትዝታዎችም አሉት። አይገርምም ወደፊት እየኖሩ የኀሊት መጓዝ አሜን ብሎ መቀበል ነው። its like የመኪናን የኃላ መስታወት(ስፖኪዮ) እያዪ ወደፊት እንደመንዳት ማለት ነው። its dangerous ግን ደግሞ ደስ ይላልም። በምግብ ብንመስለው ከትናንት ማዕዶቻችን ላይ በያይነት አኑረን እንደመመገብ ማለት ነው።

ከፍታው ይለያይ እንጂ ሁላችንም ከፍ ብለን የበረርንባቸው ፣ ዝቅ ብለን ከወለል ያደርንባቸው ቀናት አሉን። ሀ ሀ ሀ ብለን የሳቅንባቸው ቀናት እንዳሉ ሁሉ ፣ እህ ህ ህ ብለን ያለቀስንባቸው ግዜያትም ነበሩን።  ድሮ ልጅ እያለን ቀና ብለን በኩራት ያለፍናቸው መንገዶች የሉንም ፣ እሺ  በሰቀቀን የታጠፍናቸው የሰፈራችን ኩርባዎችስ የሉም??? አድገን ዛሬም ድረስ ኩርባዎቹ መልካቸውን ይቀይሩ  እንጂ ሁሌም ለመታጠፍ የምንፈራው መንገድ አለ። ለመሻገር ፈርተን  እጄን ያዙኝ የምንልበት ድልድዮችም አሉ ። ወደድንም ጠላንም ፍርሀቶቻችን የመኖር የፊት ገፆች ናቸው ። እነርሱን ገልጦ የማለፍ ወኔው ከሌለን ሁሌም ከድልድዪ ወዲህ እንደቆምን መቅረት፣ ከኩርባው ወዲያ ያለውን ፀዳል ለማየት  አለመታደል ፈንታችን ይሆናል።


ዘግይቶም ቢሆን የገባኝ ነገር ቢኖር ይህ ነው። የታመመ ሁሉ አይድንም ፣ የተተከለ ሁሉም አይፀድቅም ፣ ጉዞ የጀመረ ሁሉም አይደርስም ፣ ሁሉም መድሀኒትም አያሽርም ። የምንኖረው 50 50 በሆነ አለም ነው። ማናችንም ብንሆን እርግጠኛ ሆነን የምንጠብቀው ነገ የለንም እርግጠኛ ሆኖ የሚጠብቀን" ነገ" ቢሆን እንጂ። ስለዚህ ደስታው መዳረሻው ሳይሆን መንገዱ ይሁን ።ከመንገድ መቅረትም አለና


-by a subscriber

"While I keep finding how you live through me I will unlearn a few things,replace them with a few constructive ones."

When that man from the side of the street mentioned that I looked like my dad without being being fully aware I was his daughter, I thought I was the same exact physical copy of my dad. Mentally,spiritually,life principle wise o found i was more him than myself. The same traits he wanted me to suppress are the same traits his father told him to. The same rituals I practiced that he loathed are the same traits he got shamed for.I can't lie it wouldn't have been a bad thing to have a killer smile that can make men line up. Maybe in another lifetime I guess. I remember what we went through together to make me break my silence. All the blood flooding on my face from crying too much. Multiple rides from the voices and the silence. No friends. Isolation. Alcohols. Even in the brokenness I love who I am through him. Pain and pencil weren't necessary. He is a life long teacher. Everything he taught he lived teaching it. 24 hours of non stop labor. Discipline. Silence. Peace of not dealing with anything that doesn't require energy. Jeopardizing his critical illness to give us a stable future. Selflessness.Mostly vivid memories of "I love you" but had his fair share of the maker in living love rather than speaking it.I still would have loved it if I had his smile.
My father raised himself and so did we. He is our idol. I still see a little 14 year old boy who left his hometown to belong in the streets of 'Mercato' while looking at the 75 year old version of him....most part of him stuck there. Salivating over no responsibilities,a father to suck life lessons out of,a mother to come home to after disappointing workday to make him 'kocho with aybe'-made from the hands of love. Hometown smell. Flavors of the sense of belonging. Existing among his true root. That is a thing about this blood line. Each of us ceased to exist somewhere. Looking at our family photo I can see which one of our life incidents we have sank into to never come back. Living him while also killing the doomed parts of us feels like betrayal. But I am still honoring his last words before I left to face the world. 'Live! Promise to live.' What other way of living than existing in the uncomfortable awareness of self. What other way of existing than killing parts of yourself in the name of Love.
-Yeab T

A woman while explaining the love she has for her children said,"love is so powerful it is scary." I believe that says a lot.